I don’t know what to do with him/her? is a common refrain from parents regarding their teenagers.

This week, I came across a podcast that discusses the root causes this transformation. Please find it here. It’s definitely engaging, and enlightening, albeit cold comfort. The experts say that there is not much to do: the teenage brain is the teenage brain. However, not much is not nothing!

Here are some tips:

1. Educate Yourself

Read books about teenagers. Think back on your own teen years. Remember your struggles. Expect some mood changes in your typically sunny child, and be prepared for more conflict as he or she matures as an individual. Parents who know what’s coming can cope with it better. And the more you know, the better you can prepare.

2. Talk to Kids Early and Often

Starting to talk changes after they’ve already begun is starting too late. Answer the early questions kids have, but don’t overload them with information — just answer their questions. If you don’t know the answers, get them from someone who does, like a trusted friend or your pediatrician.

The earlier you open the lines of communication, the better your chances of keeping them open through the teen years. Give your child books on puberty written for kids going through it. Share memories of your own adolescence. There’s nothing like knowing that mom or dad went through it, too, to put kids more at ease.

3. Put Yourself in Your Child’s Place

Practice empathy by helping your child understand that it’s normal to be a bit concerned or self-conscious, and that it’s OK to feel grown-up one minute and like a kid the next.

4. Pick Your Battles

If teenagers want to dye their hair, paint their fingernails black, or wear funky clothes, think twice before you object. Teens want to shock their parents and it’s a lot better to let them do something temporary and harmless; save your objections for things that really matter.

Ask why your teen wants to dress or look a certain way and try to understand how your teen is feeling. You also might want to discuss how others might perceive them if they look different — help your teen understand how he or she might be viewed.

5. Set Expectations

Teens might act unhappy about the expectations their parents place on them. Still, they usually understand and need to know that their parents care enough about them to expect certain things such as good grades, acceptable behavior, and sticking to the house rules. If parents have appropriate expectations, teens will likely try to meet them. Without reasonable expectations, your teen may feel you don’t care about him or her.

6. Inform Your Teen — and Stay Informed Yourself

The teen years often are a time of experimentation, and sometimes that experimentation includes risky behaviors. Discussing tough topics openly with kids before they’re exposed to them actually makes it more likely that they’ll act responsibly when the time comes. Share your family values with your teen and talk about what you believe is right and wrong, and why.

Know your child’s friends — and know their friends’ parents. Regular communication between parents can go a long way toward creating a safe environment for all teens in a peer group. Parents can help each other keep track of the kids’ activities without making the kids feel that they’re being watched.

7. Know the Warning Signs

A certain amount of change is normal during the teen years. But too drastic or long-lasting a switch in personality or behavior may signal real trouble — the kind that needs professional help. Watch for these warning signs:

1. extreme weight gain or loss
2. sleep problems
3. rapid, drastic changes in personality
4. sudden change in friends
5. skipping school often
6. falling grades
7. talk or even jokes about self-harm

Any other inappropriate behavior that lasts for more than 6 weeks can be a sign of underlying trouble, too. You may expect a glitch or two in your teen’s behavior or grades during this time, but your A/B student shouldn’t suddenly be failing, and your normally outgoing kid shouldn’t suddenly become constantly withdrawn. Your doctor or a local counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist can help you find proper counseling.

8. Respect Kids’ Privacy

Some parents, understandably, have a very hard time with this one. They may feel that anything their kids do is their business. But to help your teen become a young adult, you’ll need to grant some privacy. If you notice warning signs of trouble, then you can invade your child’s privacy until you get to the heart of the problem. But otherwise, it’s a good idea to back off.

In other words, your teenager’s room, texts, e-mails, and phone calls should be private. You also shouldn’t expect your teen to share all thoughts or activities with you at all times. Of course, for safety reasons, you should always know where teens are going, when they’ll be returning, what they’re doing, and with whom, but you don’t need to know every detail. And you definitely shouldn’t expect to be invited along!

Start with trust. Tell your teen that you trust him or her, but if the trust gets broken, he or she will enjoy fewer freedoms until it’s rebuilt.

9. Monitor What Kids See and Read

TV shows, magazines and books, the Internet — kids have access to tons of information. Be aware of what yours watch and read. Don’t be afraid to set limits on the amount of time spent in front of the computer or the TV. Know what they’re learning from the media and who they may be communicating with online.

Teens shouldn’t have unlimited access to TV or the Internet in private — these should be public activities. Access to technology also should be limited after certain hours (for example, 10 p.m. or so) to encourage adequate sleep. It’s not unreasonable to have cellphones and computers off limits after a certain time.

10. Make Appropriate Rules

Bedtime for a teenager should be age appropriate, just as it was when your child was a baby. Teens still need about 8-9 hours of sleep. Encourage your teen to stick to a sleep schedule that will meet those needs.

Reward your teen for being trustworthy. Has he or she kept to a 10 p.m. curfew on weekends? Move it to 10:30 p.m. And does a teen always have to go along on family outings? Encourage a reasonable amount of family time together, but be flexible. Don’t be insulted when your growing child doesn’t always want to be with you. Think back: You probably felt the same way about your mom and dad.

Will This Ever Be Over?

As kids progress through the teen years, you’ll notice a slowing of the highs and lows of adolescence. And, eventually, they’ll become independent, responsible, communicative young adults.

From <https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/adolescence.html#>

 Here are some tips to help you to support your child to do their homework.  

• Some students report feeling the expectations of their parents.
  This could be because parents don’t want them to make the mistakes they made or maybe it’s a family culture of having ‘high aspirations and achievement’.
  Although this is understandable, discuss with your child/ren what is going to motivate them.

• Students who are struggling may have got a 3/7 grade (for example).  In the past, they might have thought of this as ‘not very good’ but now will perceive it as being ‘okay’.
  This could be to avoid self-punishment or seeing their achievement as failure.

• Students should be encouraged to use resources such as http://www.educationplanner.org/students/self-assessments/index.shtml.
  This is to understand which learning styles could be more useful for them to do homework and revise for tests.

• Sometimes, studying can be counter-productive as it can lead to resentment and low motivation to achieve potential.
  Therefore, encourage your child/ren to produce into their study timetables ‘free time’.
  Free-time’ can act as a reward and it can also be ‘substitute’ time to do work or study when the planned time does not work out for whatever reason.

Please see this document for information on tips which could help your child whilst doing their homework.

Today I’ve been thinking about Friendships. Not only is it a focus at school, but it is a topic we all can relate to no matter our age. Our children are just learning how to be good friends and often need the guidance of their parents. So what can parents do to support their children with friendships?

Social Issues: What Can Parents Do?

While you can’t live your child’s social life for her, there are some things you can do to help.

• Trust the power of friendship. Most kids figure out how to handle their close friendships and circles of friends quite well. Most will get through some rejection and even betrayals without long-term scars, particularly when they have parents who are good listeners, but not fixers.

• Meet the parents of your child’s friends. Whether you have preschoolers or high schoolers, get to know the parents of your children’s friends.

• Have reasonable expectations about your child’s social skills. Children develop the ability to become more mutual, reciprocal and empathic over time. Most two-year-olds will not share easily. Many preschoolers (and school age kids) don’t play well in groups, but do well in pairs. Most kids will be rejected by a few kids and be the rejecter.

• Value friendships over popularity. You cannot make your child become a popular kid. But you can make sure your child has friends by inviting them over. Focusing on healthy friendships is much more important then being with the “Cool kids”“

• Interview for coping, instead of pain. When children experience social rejection, we often experience it with them. But it doesn’t help when you dwell on it by asking excessive questions, or trying to figure it out for them. Instead of “interviewing for pain,” ask what they’ve done to solve the situation, compliment their efforts, and let your child know you are there. Keep in mind that best friends will get along, fight bitterly, and make up faster than adults. They are simply more flexible and resilient.
  Ask your child empowering questions. Encourage your child to solve social problems himself by asking instead of telling him what to do

• Only help when your child truly needs or asks for help. When this happens, you might simply ask “What would you like me to do to help?” Try to help your child figure out his own solution. If your child has trouble verbalizing his feelings, you might help by putting words to them, like “You seem like you feel left out” without imposing your feelings on the situation.

• Dissect the power struggles. If your child gets teased, bullied, or rejected, try to help your child find perspective on the behavior. Instead of saying, “That kid is so mean,” or getting into the details of who did what, you might say, “How does this person get so much power?” or “What gives her the power to do that?” In this way you are naming the behavior, raising awareness of it, and helping your child disengage from the struggle.”

• Consider both sides of a story. As much as you love and trust your child, you should listen to both versions of a conflict if it’s one that needs your intervention or assessment.

• Separate your childhood from your child’s. Your child’s social life is not likely to be the same as yours. “We often use our own experiences as children as a vehicle to understand our child’s social interactions,” notes Diane Levin, Ph.D., author of “Remote Control Childhood.” “This doesn’t take into account the fact that our children’s experiences can often be very different than our own. So try to think about what the social relationships mean from your child’s point of view.”

• Talk with a professional. If a school conflict is really big, encourage your child to talk with the school counselor about it. And talk with the school or a professional yourself.

• Figure out if your child is at risk. If you have a child who is an extreme loner, a bully or someone who gets frequently bullied, you should talk to your child’s teacher and a School Counselor. Describe what you observe, find out what they see, and get some advice on how to help. Ask the teacher to be direct if she perceives there is a problem. If this is a group teasing issue, ask the school about group actions. If warranted, consider some therapy for your child and yourself.

This article is adapted from: www.PBS.org/Parent